If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life partner. Yet, this is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life – with potentially huge repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice. A long-term relationship can be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to offer. Although you may not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life partner who is right for you.
Consider qualities that are important to you
First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a partner. It doesn’t matter what they are – what matters is that you are consciously aware of what is important to you. Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are clear about what you want. Two qualities you might seriously consider are honesty and openness/flexibility. You need to be able to trust your partner to be straight up with you – about money, preferences, things they are doing, people they are spending time with. In addition, you will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves, willing to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with the ebbs and flows of life.
Remember these qualities when you are dating
Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it. We all know how easily we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush of a new romance, relationship melodrama. If what you want is a partner for life, forget romance and be logical and realistic. As you are getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire. If so, happily continue dating. If not, find the strength within yourself to stay aligned with what you really want, say a kind goodbye, and move on. Abandon hope that things will change in the future. Base your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be true now.
Discuss the big issues
I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples discovering monumental differences on some of the most essential life choices. Spare yourself this challenge by initiating open discussions about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money, work, religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family. The purpose of these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences between you so you can decide if you want to continue the relationship. Do the research thoroughly, but also realize that priorities and preferences have a way of changing over time. This is why openness and flexibility are important. Learn all you can about your potential mate, and have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.
Find a good friend
Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy. The intensity of the initial attraction will subside, so make sure that the friendship is strong. Do you have common interests? Is your conversation enjoyable and stimulating? Would you choose to spend a free day with this person? If your answer is “yes” to these questions, you have in place an important element that can make your relationship stand the test of time.
Find a lover
You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as stumbling in this area can cause great conflict and dissatisfaction. Appetites will change – often once children arrive or hormones begin to dwindle. Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are building a strong foundation now and for the future.
Don’t think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough
How often have you heard, “But I love him?” A long-term relationship involves so much more than love. A successful relationship requires communication and problem-solving skills, the ability to manage your own emotions, patience, selflessness. You end up dealing with child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that inevitably arise. Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions, but they are not enough for choosing a life partner.
Determine if you can solve problems together
Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements. If you or your partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty coming to a resolution. The need to be right limits good communication. Look for, and be, someone who speaks respectfully and is open to other points of view.
Decide if you can accept your potential partner’s idiosyncrasies
We all have them. Ways of being, things we do, that are our personalities and quirks. Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes wide open to determine if the person you are considering is someone you can actually live with on a daily basis. Reflect on their energy level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of handling stress, and level of cleanliness. Don’t be caught by the trap of hoping they will change, and don’t fool yourself into believing that something that bothers you now won’t continue to fester over time. People do change, but there is no guarantee. Contemplate within yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is.
Know your dealbreakers
Only you can know your bottom line. You deserve to be with someone who is truly interested in making your relationship thrive. If you are mistreated or disrespected in any way, think twice before moving forward. Take very seriously problems such as addiction, large debt, uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness. You can have tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood of being in a satisfying relationship with them is negligible.
Be an amazing partner
While you are looking, use your time wisely. Reflect within yourself to become aware of the difficulties you might contribute to a relationship. Are you too clingy or afraid of getting close? Are you overly passive or controlling? Do you need to get your own life on track in some important way? Are you attracting, and choosing, people who aren’t right for you? Do you have annoying habits? Are you a grownup, able to make your relationship with a partner a priority over your immediate family? Be happy in your own life, and you will effortlessly bring happiness to others.
In choosing your partner, I’m inviting you to use your head as well as your heart. When you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility for the deepest intimacy and celebration of life. Allow your heart to expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!
What have you learned about choosing a life partner? I’d love to hear your reactions and experiences.
Gail Brenner, Ph.D. is a guest blogger for PickTheBrain. She offers practical and inspiring wisdom for realizing true happiness at her blog A Flourishing Life, focusing on real solutions for self-defeating habits.
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Thursday, March 29, 2012
How to choose the right man if torn between the two?
How to choose the right man if torn between the two?
By shezz3085
When you were torn between two lovers and you were confused which of the two you should choose, think of wisely. There are many people who are engaged in situation like this, some are happy because they have chosen the right partner for them however there are some regretted because they failed to choose the right partner they wanted to be with. I myself have been a victim of this confusing and crazy situation and I’ve choose the man for me but couldn’t say yet if I would be happy for him since we aren’t yet married. But there are some tips I discovered choosing the right man for you if you were torn between the two.
Go with them when they are asking you a date. Try to compare their characteristics if they can pass your taste.
Check your feelings towards them and ask yourself if you really like them to be your boyfriend or perhaps a husband in the future.
Don’t say a word that would let them expect from you. All you have to do is listen to whatever they say. Asking for their hobbies and their interests is a good idea as well in knowing them better.
Don’t trust immediately on what they say towards you, they might not tell you the truth and was just lying.
Perhaps a little investigation on them is a great idea if you really want to know them better and if you really want to know who were sincere of them in you.
And last but not the least; Asking God as well who to choose is one of the most powerful ideas you should not miss to follow.
I hope it could help you and could give you an idea choosing the right man or woman for you.
By shezz3085
When you were torn between two lovers and you were confused which of the two you should choose, think of wisely. There are many people who are engaged in situation like this, some are happy because they have chosen the right partner for them however there are some regretted because they failed to choose the right partner they wanted to be with. I myself have been a victim of this confusing and crazy situation and I’ve choose the man for me but couldn’t say yet if I would be happy for him since we aren’t yet married. But there are some tips I discovered choosing the right man for you if you were torn between the two.
Go with them when they are asking you a date. Try to compare their characteristics if they can pass your taste.
Check your feelings towards them and ask yourself if you really like them to be your boyfriend or perhaps a husband in the future.
Don’t say a word that would let them expect from you. All you have to do is listen to whatever they say. Asking for their hobbies and their interests is a good idea as well in knowing them better.
Don’t trust immediately on what they say towards you, they might not tell you the truth and was just lying.
Perhaps a little investigation on them is a great idea if you really want to know them better and if you really want to know who were sincere of them in you.
And last but not the least; Asking God as well who to choose is one of the most powerful ideas you should not miss to follow.
I hope it could help you and could give you an idea choosing the right man or woman for you.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Dating: Preparation For Marriage? Or For More Dating?
"Once I'm ready to settle down, then I'll get married, but in the meantime, there are too many new and exciting things I want to do. After all, I still have a lot of living to do."
But in reality, when marriage is done well, living is enriched, not thwarted. Our lives unfold and take shape in a way that no other experience can affect.
When we do marriage well — when we find a good traveling companion on this journey called life, and we love and are loved in return — life is anything but a ball-and-chain experience. Rather, it is an incredibly liberating and life-giving one.
In each of us there is a desire to love and to be loved. This longing for intimacy is met nowhere else like it is in marriage. In fact, marriage is uniquely designed to meet these desires.
The fact that 96% of Americans say that they have a strong desire to marry belies the fact that most of us (at least, intuitively) understand this reality.
We desire to love and to be loved — not just for a short time, but for a lifetime.
But when you look at the way we are doing dating:
- Is it really preparing us for marriage?
- Or is it just preparing us for more dating?
Quite honestly, it shouldn't surprise any of us that many men and women who do marry (approximately 50%) end up once again in the dating world.
After all, isn't the way we are doing dating in reality a better preparation for dating than it is for marriage?"
-Published on February 28, 2012 by John R. Buri, Ph.D. in Love Bytes
But in reality, when marriage is done well, living is enriched, not thwarted. Our lives unfold and take shape in a way that no other experience can affect.
When we do marriage well — when we find a good traveling companion on this journey called life, and we love and are loved in return — life is anything but a ball-and-chain experience. Rather, it is an incredibly liberating and life-giving one.
In each of us there is a desire to love and to be loved. This longing for intimacy is met nowhere else like it is in marriage. In fact, marriage is uniquely designed to meet these desires.
The fact that 96% of Americans say that they have a strong desire to marry belies the fact that most of us (at least, intuitively) understand this reality.
We desire to love and to be loved — not just for a short time, but for a lifetime.
But when you look at the way we are doing dating:
- Is it really preparing us for marriage?
- Or is it just preparing us for more dating?
Quite honestly, it shouldn't surprise any of us that many men and women who do marry (approximately 50%) end up once again in the dating world.
After all, isn't the way we are doing dating in reality a better preparation for dating than it is for marriage?"
-Published on February 28, 2012 by John R. Buri, Ph.D. in Love Bytes
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Love consists of Passion AND Intimacy AND Commitment.
Love? Or Being In Love?
The Experience Of Being In Love Is Not Love At All
Published on February 9, 2010 by John R. Buri, Ph.D.
Lots of couples end up in the marriage therapist’s office every day. But hardly ever does someone end up there who actually understands what love is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is rare for anyone to ever end up in any therapist’s office who actually understands what love is.
There is within each of us an inherent desire to love and to be loved. But if we are ignorant as to what actually constitutes love, then how will we ever hope to know whether what is happening between us and another person is actually love?
If the truth be known, what many (if not most) of us are looking for is not love, but rather, an in-love experience.
But an in-love experience is not love at all.
In-love experiences are almost always effortless --- that’s why we call it “falling in love” --- how much effort does it take to fall? But the suggestion that love is effortless is ridiculous. It ranks as one of the more stupid assertions ever made about love --- it ranks right up there with the line from the 1970s movie “Love Story”: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Furthermore, an in-love experience may serve to assuage the painfulness of life, but love does not. In fact, what many of us have discovered (by loving) is that when we truly love, sometimes the painfulness of life’s experiences increases rather than decreases --- after all, we are now concerned about someone else besides just ourselves.
As it turns out, way too many people are seeking to avoid life’s responsibilities through love, only to discover that what they were really seeking wasn’t love at all. Rather, it was an in-love experience. You see, love does not enable us to avoid responsibilities. On the contrary, love (by its very nature) carries with it more responsibilities.
If you are looking for something that is effortless, that will soften the painfulness of life’s experiences, that will reduce the load of responsibilities you are required to carry, then I would NOT recommend that you seek love.
Love consists of Passion AND Intimacy AND Commitment.
I am hard-pressed to understand how two MEs becoming a WE (the heart of Commitment) is effortless.
As for Intimacy --- maybe it’s just me --- but I don’t see how in-depth communication (the heart of Intimacy) is painless.
That leaves Passion. Admittedly, Passion is the easiest of these 3 to come by, oftentimes even effortless --- especially when the relationship is new. Furthermore, passion will often serve as an analgesic, alleviating the pain of life --- but only for a time - as with any drug, the effects dissipate until another fix can be found. And often Passion will have no strings attached.
Needless to say, Passion --- without Intimacy and Commitment --- is what many people today mistake for love. And it’s easy to see why --- it comes closest to mimicking the in-love experience.
But Passion without Intimacy and Commitment is not love.
Have you ever felt as though you’ve been duped --- you know --- by love? It seems so easy, so painless, so carefree. But then we come face to face with the challenge that is inherent in love. Do we decide to move on --- to a place of actually loving and being loved? Or do we stall the process, attempting to stay with an in-love experience, only to feel the inevitable frustration of trying to remain in a place that by its very nature is transient?
We have been duped, but not by love. Rather, we have been duped by the misguided notions of love so often promoted in our culture.
**Passion without Intimacy and Commitment is not love.
The Experience Of Being In Love Is Not Love At All
Published on February 9, 2010 by John R. Buri, Ph.D.
Lots of couples end up in the marriage therapist’s office every day. But hardly ever does someone end up there who actually understands what love is. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is rare for anyone to ever end up in any therapist’s office who actually understands what love is.
There is within each of us an inherent desire to love and to be loved. But if we are ignorant as to what actually constitutes love, then how will we ever hope to know whether what is happening between us and another person is actually love?
If the truth be known, what many (if not most) of us are looking for is not love, but rather, an in-love experience.
But an in-love experience is not love at all.
In-love experiences are almost always effortless --- that’s why we call it “falling in love” --- how much effort does it take to fall? But the suggestion that love is effortless is ridiculous. It ranks as one of the more stupid assertions ever made about love --- it ranks right up there with the line from the 1970s movie “Love Story”: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Furthermore, an in-love experience may serve to assuage the painfulness of life, but love does not. In fact, what many of us have discovered (by loving) is that when we truly love, sometimes the painfulness of life’s experiences increases rather than decreases --- after all, we are now concerned about someone else besides just ourselves.
As it turns out, way too many people are seeking to avoid life’s responsibilities through love, only to discover that what they were really seeking wasn’t love at all. Rather, it was an in-love experience. You see, love does not enable us to avoid responsibilities. On the contrary, love (by its very nature) carries with it more responsibilities.
If you are looking for something that is effortless, that will soften the painfulness of life’s experiences, that will reduce the load of responsibilities you are required to carry, then I would NOT recommend that you seek love.
Love consists of Passion AND Intimacy AND Commitment.
I am hard-pressed to understand how two MEs becoming a WE (the heart of Commitment) is effortless.
As for Intimacy --- maybe it’s just me --- but I don’t see how in-depth communication (the heart of Intimacy) is painless.
That leaves Passion. Admittedly, Passion is the easiest of these 3 to come by, oftentimes even effortless --- especially when the relationship is new. Furthermore, passion will often serve as an analgesic, alleviating the pain of life --- but only for a time - as with any drug, the effects dissipate until another fix can be found. And often Passion will have no strings attached.
Needless to say, Passion --- without Intimacy and Commitment --- is what many people today mistake for love. And it’s easy to see why --- it comes closest to mimicking the in-love experience.
But Passion without Intimacy and Commitment is not love.
Have you ever felt as though you’ve been duped --- you know --- by love? It seems so easy, so painless, so carefree. But then we come face to face with the challenge that is inherent in love. Do we decide to move on --- to a place of actually loving and being loved? Or do we stall the process, attempting to stay with an in-love experience, only to feel the inevitable frustration of trying to remain in a place that by its very nature is transient?
We have been duped, but not by love. Rather, we have been duped by the misguided notions of love so often promoted in our culture.
**Passion without Intimacy and Commitment is not love.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Why so many Denominations?
The New Testament reveals principles that guide us in out journey to finding truth. it describes the essence of Christianity clearly. A question that best describes the New Testament = What does the New Testament emphasize?
1. Love one another
2. Forgive each other
3. Build up one another
4. Accept one another just as G-d accepted us in Yeshua.
Ephesians 1
1 From: Sha'ul, by God's will an emissary of the Messiah Yeshua To: God's people living in Ephesus, that is, those who are trusting in the Messiah Yeshua: 2 Grace to you and shalom from God our Father and the Lord Yeshua the Messiah. 3 Praised be ADONAI, Father of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah, who in the Messiah has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in heaven. 4 In the Messiah he chose us in love before the creation of the universe to be holy and without defect in his presence. 5 He determined in advance that through Yeshua the Messiah we would be his sons - in keeping with his pleasure and purpose - 6 so that we would bring him praise commensurate with the glory of the grace he gave us through the Beloved One. 7 In union with him, through the shedding of his blood, we are set free - our sins are forgiven; this accords with the wealth of the grace 8 he has lavished on us. In all his wisdom and insight 9 he has made known to us his secret plan, which by his own will he designed beforehand in connection with the Messiah 10 and will put into effect when the time is ripe - his plan to place everything in heaven and on earth under the Messiah's headship.
1. Love one another
2. Forgive each other
3. Build up one another
4. Accept one another just as G-d accepted us in Yeshua.
Ephesians 1
1 From: Sha'ul, by God's will an emissary of the Messiah Yeshua To: God's people living in Ephesus, that is, those who are trusting in the Messiah Yeshua: 2 Grace to you and shalom from God our Father and the Lord Yeshua the Messiah. 3 Praised be ADONAI, Father of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah, who in the Messiah has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in heaven. 4 In the Messiah he chose us in love before the creation of the universe to be holy and without defect in his presence. 5 He determined in advance that through Yeshua the Messiah we would be his sons - in keeping with his pleasure and purpose - 6 so that we would bring him praise commensurate with the glory of the grace he gave us through the Beloved One. 7 In union with him, through the shedding of his blood, we are set free - our sins are forgiven; this accords with the wealth of the grace 8 he has lavished on us. In all his wisdom and insight 9 he has made known to us his secret plan, which by his own will he designed beforehand in connection with the Messiah 10 and will put into effect when the time is ripe - his plan to place everything in heaven and on earth under the Messiah's headship.
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